INFJ Parent: Becoming a Guardian to Children
Are you an INFJ or do you one day hope to be a parent? Ever been curious about what the experience is actually like & a little advice on how to make it through?
In this post, we’ll explore what day-to-day parenthood looks like from the lens of a mom with two little crazy toddlers.
My oldest will be 3 this year & I started this blog as a creative outlet when he was a newborn. Writing helped me make it through the hardest of days.
What does nobody tell you about parenting before you have children?
Parenting is a non-stop effort. Life before parenthood is simple, for the most part. You have yourself to take care of and you’re able to prioritize yourself in planning your time.
Once you’re a parent, you’re lucky if you get a few minutes here or there for yourself.
Leaving the house can take up to 30 minutes because babies are unpredictable & have lots of needs. A little planning can help, but the unforeseeable is probably likely.
Sleep feels like a fever dream every night when you wake up 2+ times in the middle of the night. Constantly sleep deprived, for years on end.
Laundry & dishes are never-ending. Always cleaning to cook and then cooking to then clean again.
There’s hundreds of new skills to try to learn because everything is always changing. Constantly learning how to understand, teach, and support in a role you’ve never actually had before.
You learn to become intensely attuned to a baby’s needs because words aren’t used yet.
The body aches from carrying around 20+ pounds almost everywhere. Babies love to be held & go through phases of crying if you put them down.
Their cries keep you in an aroused state of alert, so you try to become very good at soothing them when they cry. But by the end of the day, your nervous system can feel totally frazzled.
Babies are full-time jobs. One baby is hard, but ooh two babies is like next level unimaginable. Would not recommend it to anyone who doesn’t want children. You have to be dedicated & you have to have lots of grit.
Parenting is a serious choice in life & I do believe most people find it indescribably worthy of all the effort. Biologically + spiritually satisfying at a different level.
Disclaimer
I contemplated sharing this post as it is more personal than usual. I recommend reading it with caution in the sense that please don’t let this deter you from wanting children. This is just a sharing of perspective and I recommend people should have babies!
Anyways, let’s just get into it.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news and break it to you that parenting is not exactly very INFJ.
Instead, if I had to choose one type that would excel at parenting & domestic life, I would say an ISTJ would be the energy you really have to embody. (more on becoming like an ISTJ later in this article)
Very Little Ni (Introverted Intuition) Time
Introverted intuition (Ni) –the leading cognitive function– for an INFJ + INTJ produces its best work without pressure. It happens organically, usually while relaxing into your mind. Thoughts free flowing, energy light, and breathing clear.
Time like that is rare as a parent (of young children). I imagine that it won’t be so once children become more independent, but that’s years away.
Young babies are just so incredibly physically and emotionally demanding that Ni is too expensive of a cognitive function for the time being.
The days start between 6 to 7 am and end sometime around 8:30pm. That’s 14-hour days, 7 days a week!
Oh, it’s humbling how fleeting time starts to feel. Free time is missed.
Sometimes, It Feels Like Non-Stop Crisis
From the early days of parenthood, you feel like you’ve been gifted the most precious being in the world. They are so tiny, it’s almost like shocking.
But you’re a total stranger to them and them to you. You have to learn how to communicate from scratch. It’s actually kind of miraculous to build a bond from the beginning of time for this little being.
They are so intensely cute & it really does feel like, yes this is what life was meant for. It’s a feeling of responsibility that awakens a part of me that I didn’t know existed. It’s a primal motivation to live for.
But it’s definitely like answering to a job that I didn’t feel entirely prepared for, which results in constant stress & worry.
It’s not even like overthinking worry. It’s more like minute-to-minute management of prioritization to make it through the day taking full-time care of an entire person.
They don’t immediately understand you or your intentions, so it’s a lot of relationship building. Rapport is really important. You’re trying to earn their trust.
That’s how it feels like –answering to a baby’s cry. & they cry to communicate, so you have to respond accordingly to their needs. Biologically, their crying hurts.
Did you know that scary movies used the frequency of baby cries to induce fear? It definitely raises the stress response in the body. & if you’re in public, it’s can be a little extra stressful because you feel super responsible to fix things quickly.
I asked an older ISTJ mother to describe her overarching lessons on parenting. She has adult children who are in their 20s. The wisdom she shared was that parenthood is a marathon + you will always worry about your children.
Perhaps it’s biologically programmed that you just can’t help but worry immensely whether or not they are okay.
Strengthening the Weak Functions (Si + Te)
Are you dominant intuitive (N) or sensing (S)? Because if you’re an intuitive personality type, you’re going need to get better at living in reality instead of in your head. There’s less leisure to ponder life as freely. Still possible, but there are more tasks to do than you could ever imagine before.
You need effective daily systems in place. & likely, you’ll have to make sacrifices because there’s just no time for everything.
Effective daily systems? What does that sound like?
Si + Te – the ISTJ personality type, emphasis on Si first and foremost.
It is not often mentioned but motherhood is the some of the most unglamorous work.
Don’t hear what I’m not saying, because motherhood and becoming a parent is very rewarding. However, the rewards only are truly enjoyed after substantial unrewarded dedication.
There are many tasks that must be repeated multiple times a day for an unforeseeable future that become your responsibility in order to take care of your children, on top of housework, food prep, and overall life choices and education.
It can be sort of overwhelming when the managing the physical world isn’t really your strength. (As an INFJ, it sure is not mine!)
Child-rearing = Guardian Energy
The wonderful guardians seriously excel at maintaining the day-to-day routines in the physical world. (You’re lucky if you had some SJ caretakers. They were probably sort of strict about some things but they probably also always made sure you were taken care of physically.)
All the women in my family were SJs. They were always quite dedicated to their families in a way that is truly admirable. They are solid people who have a tough grit and simultaneously warm communal energy to them. They feel generally predictable & safe.
The –SJ Guardians are the ISTJ Inspector , ESTJ Supervisor, ISFJ Defender, ESFJ Caregiver personality types.
Those are the types that I would trust for caretaking. Of the 4 temperaments, they win first place for the community energy. They are the aunties that love their children the loudest, but probably not the best iykyk.
But the consistency of introverted sensing (Si) – prioritizing comfort & excelling at the small details + routine… that’s what you need to make it through the early days of parenthood.
–SJ by day, then –SP by night once babies are asleep…
Advice: Creativity as a Way of Survival for Ni-Doms
Ni-dominant personality types (INFJ, ENFJ, INTJ, ENTJ) crave introspective leisure. Introverted intuitions (Ni) needs prolonged alone time.
On the axis with extraverted sensing (Se), introverted intuition (Ni) is transformative in nature. It transforms inputs into outputs like a computer. The inputs being (sensory) data and the outputs are insights.
Se observes the real world and Ni creates a renovated version. Art is a flow of creation to display this work exchanged between cognitive functions.
Quick personal aside (feel free to skip): My favorite childhood memories is when my dad would take me to the art store and let me get a few art supplies to try out. He always told me that everything in the world needs to be designed and created by someone, even things like shampoo bottles. He taught how to have an eye to appreciate beauty amongst our everyday items that most people usually forget to actually look at. He doesn’t claim to be an artist, but easily my father is one of the most creative people I’ll ever know. Instead of as a creative, most people know him best for his hardworking nature. But because I know him as his daughter, I know that he uses creativity as a way to keep going.
Creating is the key to harmony in life. Creating brings balance to constant overconsumption of information/advertisement/madness.
I’m coming from the experience of being overworked taking full-time care of two babies all day every day for nearly the last year. If I didn’t create, I could not have made it through the most challenging of days. (Thank God the super intense phase is over, at least I think)
If you ever become a parent or if you’re ever going through a hard time, trust me: creating something new is the way to make order from the feeling of overwhelm.
I truly believe at a spiritual level – we’re meant to create. At a physical level, we’re meant to procreate… LOL. Okay, peace out & take care until next time!! Thanks for reading.
